Swine Flu: World Roundup, and what to do now that we're all going to die

I’m not quite sure how the first swine flu patient contracted it. Especially that ‘patient zero’ is a cute Mexican 4-year old so it’s unlikely he’d have doinked Miss Piggy.
You never know though, at his age, I thought she was pretty hot, but then again I was a very precocious boy.

But that’s irrelevant now, since we’re all going to die anyway. Like we died of SARS and of bird flu. And foot-and-mouth disease. You know.

(by Carlos Latuff)

It’s been fun though. Here's is what the world has been doing:

- Some people have been panicking. (D'oh).

- Some have been raiding drugstores for hand sanitizers.

- Plenty of people have been wearing those masks, making Michael Jackson pass for a visionary.

- Israel decided to call it “Mexico Flu” because pigs aren’t kosher. (though they’re doing it wrong. It’s a disease therefore it’s supposed to be associated with something bad, so the few children that will survive the world epidemic will remember to never eat pork. Right?)

- France, too, has occasionally used “Mexican Flu” and “North American Flu” in the press.

- So the European Commission, in all its might and glory, suggested a new name: "Novel Flu virus". Thank you, Europe.

- In France also, television is flooded with seriously insipid advertisements for pork meat, and since they didn't have the time to think out a good marketing campaign it's mainly a guy wearing a pink suit carrying a tray of cold cuts jumping all over the screen. They titled the campaign 'we're all crazy about pork'.

- In the USA, Republicans decided to blame it on Democrats. Yes, really. And some even decided to name it after one.

- Jon Stewart decided to make fun of them all.

- In Canada, apparently, pigs will be complaining soon: a sick farmer has infected his pigs. Yep. They're that powerful. (will Canadian pigs be rounding up humans anytime soon?)

- And apparently the World Health Organisation decided to rename the virus “Influenza A (H1N1)” , under pressure of the pork industry and to save the animals from the same draconian measures that faced chickens two years back, especially that there is no proof of animal-to-man transmission.

- Egypt has been slaughtering its pigs anyway, which was funny enough because apparently the government first turned to the Egyptian church for permission (because it’s mainly a Christian business, seemingly) and the Church replied “Dude, I dunno, you’re in charge of public health, not me” - but pig farmers are angry, and there are conspiracy theories that the government wanted to hurt Christian businesses or, even better, that they’re killing the local livestock because it benefits some foreign companies of which - get this - the head of the Egyptian church is a partner.

Anywho.

Here’s what you need to do now.

- First, check if you’re infected by taking this very scientific test.

- Then, and knowing that you’re really dying now, go and infect many many people with this awesome game. Believe me, after the first level, you’ll actually enjoy passing on the virus.

- Then you can go and join other people on Twitter who have been trying to come up with better names for the disease. My favourite so far? “The day the pigs flu”. (and while you're there, follow my Twitter updates).

- If you care about facts and all that crap, you can check the WHO's dedicated website.

- You can also read Peter's post about how many people die of 'regular' flu every year, and laugh at yourself for panicking.

As for me, I considered stocking up on Tamiflu but then realised that I live in a socialist country (by now, don’t we all?) and that the government will give it to me, free of charge. (except if you're in a developing country, then you're screwed).

I also considered buying hand sanitizers and packing on tissues every time I leave the house. Then I realised it was stupid because preventing my infection would necessitate sanitizing OTHER people’s hands, not mine. And if I do get swine flu, I’m taking as many of those healthy bastards as possible with me.

This post will be updated as new funny stuff around the world happens.

Happy epidemic!