"Do not camp under a coconut tree", and other pearls of wisdom from the UN

Since I'm bored out of my mind, I've been going through the UN security course for people going to field offices. Who knows... ;)

The stuff is not too bad and I've learned a couple of good things, but it also contains some incredibly ridiculous and dumb sentences.
I've been selecting my favourite and utterly most absurd comments and screen-copied them - the kind of things that makes me wonder
a) what kind of people do they hire in here??
b) what kind of people write these stupid courses?

Not disclosing anything, btw, all this is publicly available at http://dss.un.org - to their shame.

i. My favourite: Avoid camping under coconut trees. You stooopid idiot - if you can't survive a coconut attack, what will you do with the sal3awwa? (wild animals, say).





ii. According to the UN, this is what happens when you actually exert the effort to work:




don't you like the 'healthy-death' route? All if you overexert yourself...
Conclusion: Don't die - don't work.



iii. Very accurately describing the United Nations (in the chapter about stress):



iv. And this is how they rationalise Gluttony and Promiscuity:

Oh poor, poor overpaid UN personnel which has to drown its sorrows but humping anything that moves...



v. Not sure what to think about this one:

They should also add: also, suggest scented candles and massage oil.
More seriously -- it does make sense, but is this a serious recommendation?
Plus, doesn't it look like consent to a certain extent?

Aaaaaaanyways. More to come...

A God political joke

Because Forsoothsayer didn't think my opening joke in last week's post was good enough, here's another one. And this one's got God in the cast (but it's fictional, unfortunately...)
It was a classic in Cairo when Fahd and Assad were still alive...

For non-arabic speakers, know that 'Fahd' means 'panther' and 'Assad' means 'lion' in arabic, hence the wordplay.
Here it goes.

King Fahd of Saudi Arabia, Hafez Al Assad of Syria and Mubarak of Egypt died and are standing by God.
God: You three have screwed up big time on earth, but I'll give you another chance - you'll be reincarnated. Only this time, as animals. What animals do you want to be?
King Fahd: A panther!
Al-Assad: A lion!
Mubarak: Hmm... I don't know what to choose..
God: Well, I'll choose for you then -- you'll be reincarnated as a donkey.
Mubarak: oh shit! Not again???

Patting my own back

Not that you should care or anything but I still felt like sharing:
this blog hit 10,000 readers last night. Including 1000 from 75 countries over the past 10 days.
Wow. I know, not much for you big-time bloggers out there but it's quite an achievement for me :-)

Even when assuming that half of these people have gotten to the blog by mistake and didn't read anything :) I still managed to waste the time of quite a lot of people :-D
Hurray!
Thanks for dropping by! And please feel free to leave comments, I love them!

(photos are from the day we finished the Mandell assignment...)

Does Islam have a sense of Humour?

Here's a joke for you:

"2 guys are nibbling on dates, and as they eat they pile up the stones in front of them.
Then suddenly, Guy One puts his pile of stones on Guy Two's, and says:
- Man, have you eaten all that?
to which Guy Two replies:
- And you've been eating your dates WITH the stones?"

This joke is, believe it or not, a 1400 years old true story. Guy Two is Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him) and Guy One is his younger cousin Ali Ibn Abi Talib - future Caliph and legendary leader of the early Age of Islam.

It's because I was raised on stories like this - oh, I've got a bunch :) - that I was insulted for a second when BBC News published an article titled "Does Islam have a sense of Humour?".

I mean, seriously?
And why is it 'Islam' and not 'Muslims'?

But then I realised that some people not only saw us as stone-faced jerks, but saw Islam as a religion that, well, teaches us to be such.

(I love the photo!! :-)

Azhar Usman, of the “Allah Made me Funny” stand-up comedy band (who performed in Cairo a couple of months ago!!), answers this better than I can. The whole Prophet caricatures controversy managed, almost instantly, to depict us as humourless blokes who teach their children that laughing is Haraam (forbidden).

His point is simple: Muslims love to laugh, even (especially!) at themselves: everything about the culture is fair game - but the religion itself is not. Neither ours, nor others’. (End of Mr. Usman's argument.)

Simple, no? I think it’s not too much to ask. Of course this simple idea runs into disagreement with the thought that everything is laughing material (yeah, go give a joke about AIDS patients or Pearl Harbor, then we’ll talk...) but essentially there’s nothing to be concerned about.

Only, it seems there is. And some of the most open-minded people I come across still ask me basic questions, very wearily, as if I were carrying a stone in the pocket of my work suit and was going to smash their faces with it if I didn’t like the question. “Can a non-Muslim use the word ‘Allah’?”, asked a friend last Friday, trying to manage me gently so I don’t get upset.

Besides me being glad he felt at ease enough to ask me a question about faith - but People, what is that about? Why do you assume that Muslims have no tolerance for questions, or, Jeez, for jokes?

(and yes, I use Jeez and it’s not blasphemous. I find its spelling funny).

We can laugh at essentially, pretty much everything. Especially at ourselves. And even at Jeff Dunham’s “Achmed the Dead Terrorist” which is super politically incorrect but soooooooooooooo hilarious!!! I love it!!

Anyways. Back to topic.

Come to think of it, ethnic Muslim stand-up comedy (and Arab, since most people can’t tell the difference anyway) not only plays an important role in telling their audience(s) that Muslims are regular people, that the average Mo has the same hopes, fears, fantasies and wet dreams as the average Jo; but also that ‘we’, not just as people but also as a culture (am ultra-oversimplifying and pretending we do have a unique culture... I don’t need to go into the difference between American and French and Nigerian and Egyptian and Indonesian and Indian Muslims, do I?) can actually be pretty damn funny, too. It’s quite a distinction that I never thought would be necessary - this “individuals” vs. “religion” distinction.

But the fact that the question has been asked means that it is indeed necessary.

Answering this question, and others like it will, I believe, determine whether Muslims are ‘tolerated’ or ‘accepted’ in their communities.

‘Tolerated’ is more of a ‘live and let live’ approach. It’s people looking at Muslims as odd but generally inoffensive blokes who live in parallel to their society - with ‘their’ neighbourhoods, ‘their’ clothes, 'their' food, ‘their’ language(s). ‘Okay, we now know that Muslims aren’t all terrorists so now I no longer feel (too) worried living next door to Fatima’ attitude.

‘Accepted’, however, would entail a more complex, developed relationship. It’ll be not looking funny at a shopkeeper with a beard or a lady with a headscarf.

It’ll be cracking jokes with your Muslim coworker about being a vegetarian in Eid-El-Adha (that’s when sheep is traditionally eaten).

It’ll be the two of us hitting the bar after work - where you’ll casually order a beer for yourself and a diet coke for me.

It’ll be the parents getting mad that their daughter brought home a Muslim boyfriend for Christmas (or better, for Sukkot) as the plot for a low-budget Hollywood comedy.

And yes, Muslims laugh too.

And people, God-oh-God, please don’t fall for the trap of political correctness. Laugh with me, laugh at me. I’ll probably frown in public if you laugh at me too hard - and will laugh my ass off in private.

Oops, I said ass. Haraam.

Oops, I did it again.

Oops, I just quoted Britney Spears. Which, for Muslims as well, is the ultimate sin..

(Okay, that wasn’t really funny. Bad example for Muslim humour, huh?)

So, do me a favour - if you're still having the same doubt as the BBC, well, go see a good Muslim comedian. Check “Allah made me Funny” (and the excellent “Axis of Evil Comedy show”, who are touring the Middle East these days). Search them on YouTube.

More importantly though -- talk to me. Behave around me like you would around anyone else. Like my friend Beatrice used to say about her kids - "they're not made of biscuit" - we don't bruise easily. And we've got the God jokes, too - think of all the jokes you've been missing... ;-D

And next time we're in a bar - diet coke is on you.

Free Bilal!

Bilal Hussein is a dude who had the lousy idea of being good at what he does.

A professional photographer for AP (from whom I must have stolen a couple of photos for this blog over the years), Bilal works in Iraq where he was part of a team who won a Pulitzer Prize in 2005 (for the photo below -- an execution in Baghdad).


Apparently he was very good at taking photos of attacks and the like - so good that the US Army believes that he's essentially in bed with the 'insurgents' because he's there when things happen.

So now Bilal is on trial - courtesy of the US Military, no less, which will be forwarding him to the very honest and very clean and very independent Iraqi judicial system - for being a "terrorist media operative".

This charade must be ended, and Bilal must be freed!!

Free Bilal! Let the World know!!
AP has but a page on Hussein's arrest -- which they put up just pro-forma.


PS: I suggest they also put all US Military intelligence people on trial -- for being not as good as a common photo-journalist at following what goes on on the ground or having any informants worthy of the name.

PPS: if you want to know what the arguments of the US Military are - he has good photos -- you can read an unconvincing article from that bitch Michelle Malkin. She may not have any brains but at least she knows how to copy and paste.
Actually, don't read it, it is but blogo-pollution. Just know that it's out there.

PPPS: To read from people with more brains, here's a more interesting article from the Salt Lake Tribune. Even the comments at the bottom are intelligent. Go Mormon power, vote Romney!
(naaaah, just kidding, of course not. Vote Obama!)

Post to fill the silence

I know, i promised updates about Vienna and stuff about work - but there has been way too much action going on at work recently and I was unable to pen down something decent!

So for now, some commentary on the news..

UN HIV estimates reduced to 33m: Okay, but not time to rejoice quite yet. Infections are increasing in Africa, and speeding up (1.7 million new infections this year). Vietnam saw a doubling of the number of cases.
AND, I think that more and more countries are approaching the "Tipping Point" of the epidemic -- think Thailand a decade ago -- : a slow, steady increase, until a point where the increases reach an epidemic level.
Including in the Arab World. Let's face it - before it's too late.
Inshallah more on the HIV/AIDS issue in the run to December first -- World Aids Day.

French strikes: Hmmm, fairly typical, no? 500,000 people costing the state about 5 billion Euros a year (says the prime minister) who are effectively holding the rest of the country hostage of their laziness. And costing the country, only with the strikes in transportations, about 300 to 400 million Euros - a day.

And a final bit of news -- no less tragic than the previous two, but in a totally different level. The AIDS news is tragic because, beyond being helpless in front of the disease, we are dumb enough to let it increase. The France news is tragic because of the undemocratic coercion being applied on the State - sorry, Seg - to perpetuate old benefits that are damaging to the competitiveness of the country's economy as a whole.

This one, however, deserves its own post.

Middle East: Make love (on tape), not war

No matter how hard the journalist of the LATimes tries to conceal the ridicule of his article in articulate quotes of Salman Rushdie, an article titled "Mideast Peace through Porn" with a subtitle like ''An Israeli website aims to reach Arab hearts and minds by targeting a different part of the anatomy'' is bound to be laughed at.
Which I did.

This phrase summarises the wisdom of the article:
"The next step, says Ratuv's manager, is to make movies with Israelis and Arabs performing together, in order to foster more intimate relations between the two peoples."

*Speechless*.

Layali el ala2 fi Vienna!

Vienna! So, this is what it looks like? Am disappointed: people aren’t wearing tuxedos and women aren’t crossing the streets in waltz steps...

Every place is usually associated to certain images. Those images aren’t necessary true (well, not all French people wear a beret and carry a baguette in the street, Egyptians don’t ride camels to go to work...) but we have them anyway. For Vienna, I didn’t know just what to expect. It sounds to me like one of those rather insipid cities where life goes on, comfortable and quiet, with no particular highs or lows. So, Vienna has the cleanest tap water in Europe? Oh, how very exciting...

Because of the haste, I had to settle for average housing - I’m quite far from work and am living with an Indian-Austrian family (basically, instead of living L’Auberge Espagnole, I’m living ‘The Namesake’ dubbed in German ;)). Pleasant so far, but far from town and I’m looking to move closer to downtown. I don’t want to waste half of my 2 months in Austria sitting in buses and subways...

Overall, it’s cute. I am surprised that fewer people speak English than I thought - seems that here they either speak perfect English or none at all.

Hmm... what else. Oh yeah: insecurity. Now I’m normally the brown Arab-looking guy who usually scares people in the Paris subway; here, I feel incredibly insecure walking in the street. A very new feeling to me. And I don’t know whether I’m more uncomfortable when I’m unshaved in jeans and sneakers, or when I walk home from work in a suit with a laptop.

Did the basic Vienna tourist circuit last weekend; hopefully I’ll get to meet some friendly coworkers and explore the Irish pubs as well... :-)

As for work... well, I guess that’s another story. Coming soon! (hopefully this week, since my boss is away..!)

Photos of the first few days are here.

I hope you’re all very well!

Paris, again

(I know, tacky. But who can resist la Dame de Fer de Paris?)

I wasn’t thinking I’d be going to Paris any time soon, but it so happened, thanks to the magic of Schengen.

The highlight of my 56 hours trip was a visit to the brand new ‘Cité et Musée de l’Histoire de l’Immigration’.

Weird that France would have a museum celebrating migration - France being the country of the ‘blend in and keep a low profile, bitch’ rather than an American ‘pitch in and let’s see what you’ve got, babe’.

But I was very pleasantly surprised.

The temporary exhibition, about the Armenian refugees/diaspora, was rather interesting, although a little too weepy - it was organised by Armenian organisations in France - to be an objective museum thing.

The permanent exhibition, however, was very interesting and, strangely, uplifting. The first room had maps about world migration patterns, over the past 130 years. The world has been moving around like mad since forever, apparently. We humans he been taking this ‘pursuit of happiness’ deal fairly seriously..

Then it was aaaaaaaaaaall about France. And I think the main message - or the one I got, at least - was that, despite the ambient madness about conformism, France is one heck of a patchwork of nationalities - to me, a real work of art. France just forgot that.

And I think the children of immigrants need to be reminded of that, and be proud; I also think that the ‘Francais de souche’ (the autochthones, if you wish) need to be reminded of that, and be humbled - and proud, too.

I was smiling while walking out.

Click HERE for my photos!!

Cairo is...

The perpetual rush hour

The overpopulated streets with cars parked over four lanes
The people hanging from the bus’ stairs, holding on the side mirror
This same bus, spitting its fumes in the grayish sky

The kid selling tomorrow’s newspapers at the road’s intersection at midnight
‘Ahram, El Masry, Akhbar...’

The three stars, the same three stars that you can see by night, when a breeze of wind sweeps the ‘black cloud’ away

The long lines at the popular bakery, where the salesboy will ‘omit’ to return your change
The hot round loaf of ‘baladi’ bread
The foul and the falafel
The old and the unemployed hitting a ‘3ashara domino’ (read ‘damana’) on the cafés
Knowing you can get a haircut at 2AM
Actually getting one!

The ‘menadi’ volunteering to help you park your car for money - or asking for money anyway
The $5 latte, served by a waiter who makes $5 a day

The traffic soldiers, looking completely lost in their white and too large white uniforms

The late night chats with good friends

The October thunders and the sunny Novembers
The Alexandria Desert Road and the Wahet Omar road stop
The Mediterranean and the pointless tourist chalets by its coast
The Red Sea, its beaches, its corals, and its Italian babes in bikinis

The Cairo Airport, where a small tribe of farewell wishers accompanies every traveler
Where the cars carrying pilgrims, with their white flags, are met by congratulatory honks of random cars on the road
And getting through the customs with 60 kg of overweight with a smile - 3ashan enta ebn balad.

And flying above Cairo, looking down on the patchy yellow and green squares, and wondering when you’ll be back.

God help me... I love it there.

(photos: Alexandria, Raml Station; Cairo, Tahrir Square; Sally's car, 6th of October bridge; Souvenirs at Cairo Airport).